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  • Joe Kuefler

Why I Hate Beer

Updated: Aug 31, 2022

When I was a kid, I could drink beer: I didn’t love it, but I could tolerate it and it was cool to drink beer. As an adult, I can’t stand it. At least I can’t stand what most people consider beer.


You see, just like humankind went through a sort-of evolution, which worked out pretty well and resulted ultimately in the creation of women:

Beer’s evolution did not fare as well. The big mistake was the introduction of the IPA. This mistake was compounded by DOUBLE IPA’s then TRIPLE IPA’s. Ultimately we will just be drinking Pine-Sol:

Several major studies have shown that adults who love IPA’s as adults were routinely punished as children by being forced to eat soap.


Beer does not have to taste like household cleaner, nor does it need to be unpleasant.


What is doppelbock?


If you analyze the compound German word doppelbock you really don’t get very far. Doppel is easy enough: it means double. However, Bock is a male-goat and this is where things get weird. If a doppelbock has twice as many goats as a regular beer, then how many goats are in a regular beer? If regular beer contains goats, then do IPAs contain goat poop?


The answer to these riddles involves heavy research and probably a lot of drinking. If I solve any of them, I will amend this post. In the meantime, I can explain what a doppelbock is to the layman and, if you hate beer too, why you should try some.


HOPS - I’ve been told by people who actually brew beer that hops are a necessary part of the brewing process. Personally I question this. I haven’t asked the same people if bunny poop is a necessary part of chocolate chip cookies, but I suspect they are going to say yes to that, too. Nevertheless, for 99% of the “mainstream beer”, the only thing I can really smell and taste is hops. Doppelbocks range greatly in their “hoppiness” but it is a fact that hops are not the dominant flavor.


MALT - As a kid I always added malt powder to my milkshakes. When I go to Culvers, Five Guys or Shake Shack, I order a malt instead of just a shake. I’ve been caught eating malt powder directly out of the Carnation Malted Milk bottles that you find next to the Hershey’s baking chocolate. People tend to either like malt or hate malt. I haven’t met anyone that has a neutral opinion of it. Doppelbocks range greatly in their “maltiness” but most (if not all) contain overtures of malthood. One of my favorite doppelbocks was described by a friend of mine as “a malt explosion” and I kind of like that.


COLOR - When I’m paying $4 - $20 per bottle, I feel kind of ripped off when I can see through the glass. I want my money’s worth. Doppelbock’s range in color from reddish-brown to the color of used motor oil. But if you like the taste of used motor oil, stop reading this post and buy some IPAs. I’m not suggesting that used motor oil is hoppy (motor oil is easier to drink) but if you like that sort of thing, you probably won’t like any doppelbocks.


ABV - MIller lite has about 4% alcohol by volume (ABV). Budweiser about 5%. IPAs range from 5% top 7%. Doppelbocks start around 7% and go up to a whopping 14%. The ones that I like are all at the high-end: over 10% and are known as “big beers.” I guess I like the taste of ethanol.


There are less than 30 doppelbocks. On this site, we will review and profile every one of them. If you find one that you like, you will be able to use our profile to find the other ones that you like too.


DISCLAIMER


The number of doppelbocks that you drink will not improve your ability to do goat yoga, however if you drink enough of them, you will not feel any pain when you fall off a goat while doing yoga.


Joe Kuefler

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